Downloading Mom for Easter

     We celebrate six things every year at our house - Spring, Summer, Fall, Halloween, Winter and birthdays. Those are the things that are important to me.


Me and Heather
Celebrating St. Patrick's Day
...just for work

     Not a big fan of New Year's. If I need an excuse to drink an entire bottle of champagne and kiss somebody at midnight, it will be because it is Tuesday and someone gave me a bottle of champagne. Valentine's Day? Please. Every day is Valentine's Day when you're married to your true love. Of course, it helps if he likes to eat at the Y. ;) I'm not Irish. St. Patrick drove the "snakes" out of Ireland. That's not a nice thing to do to snakes. Canada Day means fireworks and barbecues. Yet another tradition we have stolen from our neighbours to the south and tried to pass off as our own. Just like Thanksgiving.
     Yeah, I'm a party pooper. When the kids were younger, I used to celebrate everything. I would research all the world's holidays - Chinese New Year, Chanukah, Ramadan - just to have an excuse to do something special. But, now that my kids are grown, I don't feel so much like celebrating. I just miss them.
     To celebrate spring this year, I decided on two things. First, I was going to use silk to dye my Easter eggs. I think I saw this crafty idea on Pinterest or somewhere. I bought about 8 silk ties at the local second-hand store MONTHS ago and was (surprisingly) able to find them tucked away in a box in the garage this morning.


Silk Dyed Easter Eggs

1. Cut squares of silk big enough to completely cover your eggs from ties, shorts, scarves.
2. Cut bigger squares from white linen (old pillow cases or sheets) so that you can wrap the individual eggs and tie them with a twist tie.
3. Wrap each raw egg with a silk square and then cover with a linen square and secure tightly with a twist tie.
4. Bowl enough water to cover the eggs in an oven safe glass or enamel pot. Add at least 3 Tbsp. of vinegar.
5. Pour the boiled water over the wrapped eggs in the glass/enamel pot. Put in the oven at 350 C for 20 minutes.
6. Let cool for 10 minutes and unwrap.

     I found my eggs were not as bright as I would have liked, but the designs were cool. My daughter suggested I needed more vinegar in the water.

     Speaking of my daughter, she lives four hours away! So, the second thing I decided to do to celebrate spring was a trans-provincial Treasure Hunt. I can't be there in person to hide some eggs, but I can get a little help from some people at The Covent Garden Market in London.
     I was originally inspired for this idea on an episode of Dragon's Den that featured a delightful chocolatier from the London area. Chocolate is not like pizza. You cannot call and have it delivered. The next natural step (in my mind) was to send the recipient on a quest. In this case, I could give Alexis directions via text to have her pick up her treasures.
     This re-creates the fun I used to have with the kids when they were young. I gave them little slips of paper with clues to take them to the next clue, and the next, until they found their stash of Easter chocolate. They never much cared about the chocolate. It was always about the hunt.
     Therefore, a one-stop treasure hunt for some truffles would not be enough. I decided to include some tea, from the Tea Haus, and a bouquet of flowers from Esther's Flowers and Gifts.
     All of the Tea Haus' loose leaf teas can be found on their website www.theteahaus.com. I chose a small bag of Gyokuru and a small bag of Star of China - both very cool teas that I can't wait to try. One call and $17 later by credit card and I had one treasure.


Easter Bouquet
From Esther's Flowers

     I presume I talked to Esther from Esther's Flowers next.You can find many of her arrangements online at www.evonasflowers.com. I didn't think she really understood what the hell I was doing. I'm sure the cut flower industry deals with mostly anniversaries, birthdays and funerals requiring deliveries. Not treasure hunts in which the recipient will come in with a secret password in order to receive their flowers.
     Finally, the piece de resistance - THE CHOCOLATE. I'm a little early for the traditional Easter celebrations, so the chocolatier and I decided on a sampler box of truffles with a rabbit-shaped lolly. I told him I wanted my daughter to say, "My name is Alex. Are you the Easter Bunny?" when she arrived for her treasure. But, I assumed she would be too embarrassed to say this. He took that info and ran with it. Seemed very eager to play along with my ruse and I love him for it :) Check out www.forratschocolates.ca
     She called me in the afternoon, ready for an adventure. But, not expecting to have to leave the house. "How the hell am I going to do a treasure hunt in your house from here?" I asked. When we hung up, my son-in-law would randomly giggle to himself and say things like, "Maybe she got you a puppy and it's sitting in a parking lot frozen to death because you were supposed to do this yesterday." Or, "Maybe your mom came to visit, and she's been sitting in a parking lot somewhere, freezing to death..." etc. Such a morbid little bastard. He's so cute.

    

 The Following took place via text:

 

 

On Google maps, find the

street with the EXPENSIVE

WORLD name. Turn south.

Then turn right on

street that should have

NEW in front of it.

Then turn right on the

street describing a LOFTY

ASS

Turn right again on RUE ROI

 

Okay, I get King Street (rue roi),

Talbot (lofty ass...tall butt),

and (new)York... But, what's

expensive world?

Rich Monde

Argh! Duh

So in the market! I'll

text you when I'm there

Make sure you park in

 the underground. It will

save you money.

Lol. Yes mom otherwise the

directions are false. What's

next?

Go up the King Street

stairs to the second floor.

Once you're on the second

floor, you will see the Tea

House door.

Haus? Lol

Haus, yes.

Fucking Swype

Go in and say, "My name

is Alex. Are you the

Easter bunny?"

 

To who?

The lay behind the counter

I guess

LADY! not LAY!

LMAO! hahaha

THANK YOU! WHAT'S NEXT?

Down stairs. You will

see a flower shop with

a girl's name. She

didn't really understand

 what I was doing. So

just tell her your name

is Alex.

This flower woman loves you!

I'm glad. I was worried she

thought I was fucked

How is the tea?

I had a Tim Horton's coffee,

which she was offended by,

so she gave me a free tea

coupon for later

Ugh. Oh well. I should have

 told you

Now find the collars made

FOR NASTY VERMIN near

market lane

Not collars. CHOCOLATES.

Fucking Swype

And tell them who I am?

Ask if he's the Easter

Bunny

He really played along :p

Oh Em Gee!!

That's it. I'll call you when

you get home

 

 

     When I called, she sounded just like the excited little girl I remember and it made my day. Unfortunately, the report on the Tea Haus was negative. When she asked if they had something for her, they initially said no. Eventually, another server realized who she was and said, "I do." Then, with disdain, "I guess your cup of tea will go really well with your Tim Horton's."

Star of China tea

 

     The flowers from Esther's were absolutely gorgeous. I was expecting some tulips and gerberas for $40. But, there were yellow and red roses, lilies, gerberas and carnations. Alex was very happy.

     Of course, just as I thought, Alex tried to get away with  saying, "Hi. Do you have anything for Alex?" from Forrats. She laughed at my description. FOR NASTY VERMIN.... aka FOR RATS. ("I knew right away what you meant. lol.")

     The chocolatier replied, "I miiiight have something for you, but WHOOOO are you looking for?"

My daugher and her boyfriend

     And, that is how I got my 20 year old daughter to ask a complete stranger if he was the Easter Bunny and laugh about it.



New Moon on Monday with Lily Allen and Cee Lo Green

     It's just one of those days, ya know? I woke up at 4 a.m. Wide awake and determined not to get out of bed because 4 a.m. is just ridiculous. The time change has messed me up, as usual. So, I dig deep down under my faux fur throw and my polyfil duvet and will myself to drift back to dreamland. The alarm woke me up three hours later at 7:30, which is really still 6:30 from my perspective. Daylight Savings Time is Bullspit!
     I get to work at 7:55 with puffy eyes and crazy bedhead. The kitchen opens at 8 a.m., but there's always that ooooooone gawdamn chipper couple, who like to "get up with the chickens" and have "breaky" ASAP. They were already making themselves to home in the dining room. I would call them assholes, but this particular couple is in regularly and I actually quite enjoy them. I just wasn't very happy to see them before the kitchen staff had even arrived. And, before I had made coffee or anything.
     Then I read the note. The evening shift left a little note to say that the water glasses had not been polished. To paraphrase, evening staff's shit does not stink, but day staff suck big donkey dicks. That's how I interpret it anyway.
     I have worked day shifts and night shifts, so I know both of us screw up, forget, get lazy, screw the pooch a little... whatever. Now, I wouldn't mind the occasional reprimand as long as you throw me a bone (for the dog I'm fucking, lol) every once in a while. How 'bout, "Hey, thanks for vacuuming underneath all of my tables on Saturday because I didn't have a chance to vacuum at all after my shift Friday night." Or, "I appreciate you folding all those napkins on Sunday afternoon and resetting our tables for us, because we were swamped and couldn't leave you any clean cutlery or folded napkins or stock any coffee cups for you. Sorry, if you had to do all that on top of all the other wonderful things you do :)" Anyway, to hell with co-workers. They suck sometimes, but I love the crazy bastards anyway. (I have to say that, some of them will read this. haha)
     It is Monday. We had a fairly busy weekend in the resturant. The food order doesn't come in until Tuesday. This means, we have a limited amount of food. Limited eggs means limited specials and limited pancakes. Fortunately, everyone decided to have the fresh fruit plate.
     As a side note: If you order a "fresh fruit" plate in winter, and are subsequently shocked to get a bowl of fruit cocktail with mostly melon, it is my humble opinion that you're an idiot. Fruit does not grow in Ontario in winter, so "fresh" is a subjective term in the food industry.
     You are also an idiot if you pay $12 for breakfast at a resort when you can get the same stuff at the diner down the road for half that price.
    To continue, I had two ladies come in today - along with six other tables of two. That's 14 people of you are keeping track. I feel I am on top of things. Everyone has menus. I'm working on getting coffee, water and orange juice for everyone. I also have to take a few minutes to explain the breakfast special with a big smile on my face.
     As a side note: If you order coffee, water AND orange juice with your breakfast, it is my humble opinion that you are a douchebag. Particularly, if you order all three things separately so that the server has to make three different trips to your table. Also, you are too thirsty and you have diabetes. And, you will pee your pants.
     Anyway, these two ladies (who I would call regulars) were waiting for a third friend, who arrived a few minutes later. I was just putting an order for another table in to the computer, when I hear the third lady ask why they don't have coffee yet. The other ladies whisper (loudly enough that I can hear them only a few feet away) that the waitress hasn't returned to the table since she brought menus. I look over to let them know I can hear them and, as I am walking past their table, the third lady says with all the self-righteous indignance that her blue hair can produce, "Can we get coffees over here?"
     I just stared at her for a second and said I would be right over. When I returned with three coffees, one of the first two ladies says, "Oh, I don't want coffee. I'll have orange juice... and water." While I am pouring juice, I can hear them clear as day saying, "I don't know what the problem is. When the other girl is working, it's so well organized. Everything just runs tickety-boo."
     Well, fuck you. Fuck you and your smooth sailing, bullshit life, you dusty old prairiefart fuckdouche!
     These are some of the swear words that run through my head while I try to convince myself NOT to lick her cutlery. Instead, I politely say, "I'm sorry you aren't happy with the service. Let's see if I can't be better." And, I take their order... for fresh fruit plates.
     Around 10 o'clock, my shift is almost over and I can start re-stocking, cleaning and vacuuming. A table of two walks in and sits at a dirty table. So, I go over and sweep off some crumbs, clear some plates, get some menus, etc. I had just set down the knife and fork when the woman shakes her head, picks up the fork I had just set down and proceeds to determinedly replace it on the LEFT of her knife. As though she was offended by my ignorance. Now, don't get me wrong. I would love to offer people the most grandiose and luxurious breakfast experience possible, and that entails proper fork placement, as well as, relaxing atmosphere and good grammar. But, sometimes, motherfuckers sit at a dirty table. To boot, they wanted pancakes... and we were out of pancakes. This makes me a double failure.
     So, I'm done with Monday. And, to celebrate, I made the following two recipes. ENJOY!

SHERLA'S FUCK YOU CARB-FREE SHRIMP AND CABBAGE DINNER

 

 

Heat up oil in a frying pan. It doesn't matter how much. Use butter or olive oil or coconut oil or whatever gawddamn greasy shit you have. It just doesn't matter. Fry up some onions and some frozen shrimp with your favourite spices. I used parsley, oregano, pepper flakes and some stuff that Nate gave me. Nobody gives a CRAP what you put in it. It will still taste good. Blanch some cole slaw mix. You can buy it in a bag at No Frills for $1.49. Set aside. Add a small can of diced tomatoes to the shrimp mix and a bit of minced garlic. Thicken with a scoop of tomato paste if you want. Then, add a dollop of mayonnaise. Why mayonnaise? Because "fuck you", that's why. Mix with blanched cabbage mix and top with cheese. Or don't. I don't really care.

 

 

 

BATSHIT COOKIES

cos you're crazy if you don't like 'em

 

To make them, take all the shit out of your cupboards. Beat 1/2 cup soft butter with 1/2 cup soft margarine, 1 1/2 cups brown sugar, 1/1 cup sugar sugar and some vanilla. Add 2 eggs and beat some more. In a separate bowl, combine 1 1/2 cups flour, 1/2 cup some other flour (like whole wheat or teff or red fife), 1 tsp baking POWDER, 1/4 tsp bkg SODA (Why even bother? Is 1/4 tsp gonna make a difference?) Some salt. 1 1/2 rolled oats, 1 cup rice krispies, 1 cup chocolate chips, 1/2 cup of something else you like and 1 cup of coconut. ONLY USE YOUR ONE CUP MEASURING CUP FOR ALL OF THIS OTHERWISE YOU ARE A CHEATER AND A FAILURE AT LIFE. Bake at 350 for 12 minutes.