Don't let the headline fool ya. I strongly doubt I will ever be giving fashion advice. And, if you're taking fashion advice from me, you must really like your Old Navy jeans, Hogwarts sweatshirts and Ugg knockoffs. I'm an epic fashion fail.
That's not why the ladies read Cosmo these days anyway. I started reading that rag when my daughter's friends came over with months and months of back issues. I learned from them that the funniest thing ever is to read the love advice out loud with a lisp or foreign accent in a room full of girls. For example, this month features "25 Insanely Hot Boob Moves" - which is insanely hilarious to read aloud no matter how it's done. It is even better if you can do your best Julia Childs imitation while saying, "If YOU are a B-cup or lahhhhhrger, use one haaaawnd to PUSH one breast UP towaaaard your MOUTH and let him waaaatch you LICK a NIP". Bahahahaha!
Seriously, though. This is where the advice comes in. I mean, take Cosmo's titty advice if you want. But, if you would rather just do something fun with your significant other on a snowy afternoon, try cleaning his or her aura. It's very simple and totally hawt. It's kind of like a lazy massage and, although I am not a professional cleaner of human auras (I'm sure they are out there), I believe it involves removing negative energy from the area surrounding a person's body. Like sweeping cobwebs of stress and bullshit off your loved one.
The best place to set up is on your living room floor or wherever you have the most floor space. Lay down the cushions from the couch or put out layers and layers of your best comforters, duvets, and sleeping bags. Make it nice and comfy even though you're on the floor.
I like to light some candles - use tealights, votives, tapers... hell, use birthday candles if that's all you got. Uh-uh. Scratch that. Birthday candles burn too quickly and will ruin the mood. Light about 8 candles and set them in a circle around where you and he/she are going to be. If you have carpeting, put the candles on a plate. That way, if they fall over, nothing will catch fire. Safety first!
Next, get the other person to lay face down on your comfy pile of cushions or blankets with their head relaxing on their forearms. They would probably like a pillow, too. By the way, lock the doors and turn off the cell phones! My dad came over once, called once, came over again and Rod's cell phone rang twice at this point. Aura cleaning should not be interrupted :)
While standing or squatting over him or her, and beginning at the head, use your palms like little sand shovels or hand brooms to remove all the negative energy from the body. I've seen some people clean a person's aura without actually touching them and that probably works, but I like to start by gently running my hands from the forehead up over the back of the head and neck, over the shoulders and then away from the body. Next, with both hands, grab the wrists and sweep down the forearms and biceps over the shoulders and across the back then away from the body (both sides). Use long scraping motions from the shoulders down the back and off the bum. From the top of the hip, run your hands along the back of the thigh and down the calves as far as you can go. And, finally, bend the knee, resting the foot on your shoulder and pull your hands from the knee up to the ankle and down both sides of the foot and away (both sides).
You can imagine collecting the bad energy in your hands as you move them along the body and then flicking the yucky stuff away from the body at the end of each sweep. It's the same thing I do to sweep crumbs off a table cloth at work. But, I'm more relaxed and Rod doesn't have crumbs.
Flip him or her onto their back and start again from the top. You can do this fully clothed or naked. Either way, it will get the blood flowing and hopefully stir up some action. Because you can't just spend all your time working, cleaning and drinking wine with your friends. You've got to make time for the one you love, too.
I'm sure you'll thank me for not including an illustrating photo with this post.
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