Family Camping in Algonquin Park

Jack Lake

So, I'm doing this thing lately where I want to check out all the nature trails in Ontario and beyond. It's part getting-back-to-nature, part getting-away-from-people and part getting-rid-of-my-big-ass.

I have recently taken a desk job after several years as a server because, as you may have noticed, I'm not much of a people person. The service industry is just not for me anymore. Someone was going to lose an appendage if I didn't get out of the dining room. Sooooo much passive/aggressive anger builds up day-after-day. I had honestly run out of swear words that were strong enough to release my true feelings. Cumdumpster wasn't even helping anymore.

And, in an effort to release my demons, I have been hiking... a lot. My poor husband spent his birthday doing a 19km hike in the Frontenacs with me. 19 km is about 5 km too long for hiking, just FYI. But, I did get to fuck at the top of a bluff overlooking a beautiful lake. So, in my opinion, it was worth it.

But, a desk job at 40 hours a week leaves very little time for exercise and all kinds of time for mindless face-stuffing. As a result, I have switched from a vegetarian diet (with extra cheese, extra cream and extra butter) to a vegan diet without dairy or eggs. Just so you know, there are eggs and milk products in every fucking thing you would ever want to eat. Still, I am enjoying all kinds of beans and vegetables... and more beans, with beans on the side. And nuts.

Anyway, back to nature. I asked my dad if he wanted to do some hiking with me. Not that I'm afraid of going on my own; I have done nature trails by myself from southeastern Ontario to southwestern Ontario without incident. It would just be nice to have some company now and again. Therefore, I joined him and his wife on a camping trip to Algonquin park in the near north of Ontario on what is probably going to be on record as the coldest night ever in September.

They were calling for a low of minus two! MINUS TWO! That's freezing if you are a metric user. I brought my long underwear, for sure, and lots of extra blankets. Did I bring a coat though? Um, no. Coats are for pussies.

Stopped for a pee at the new McDonald's in Madoc. State-of-the-art McDonald's, that is! And, they gave me a free pumpkin spice latte! Someone had ordered it in the drive-thru, but didn't pick it up. As a vegan, I'm not allowed to have a latte... but it was free. How could I refuse? I took one sip and the clerk says, "You may notice it's a bit sweet. She asked us to put a bit of sweetener in it." A bit of sweetener, eh? I read on the side of the special order tag, "Make with 2 Splenda". Two Splenda is like minus two degrees Celsius - It's two too many. Gawdamn disgusting. The gods have clearly stated that if I'm going to give up dairy, I am to damn well give up dairy, whether it is free or not.

As I make the turn into Maynooth, I see a hitchhiker at the side of the road. He looks harmless. In a split second decision, I decide it is safe to pick him up. Don't lecture me. I live life on the edge. And, I believe most people are good people even though they act like complete assholes when they are at a restaurant. He is a very talkative fellow. In our twenty minute drive to Madawaska, I learn about most of the last 12 years of his life and several details about the people in it. We discover that we both saw George Jones in concert when he was on tour a couple of years ago. Small world. And, we both really like peanut butter cups. I love the randomness of that. Not that most people don't like peanut butter cups, but it's odd that it would come up in conversation so quickly.

I arrive at the Lake of Two Rivers Campground around 1 p.m., set up my tent a short way from Dad's RV, and prepare my nest with a feather bed, a sleeping bag lined with a fur blanket, topped with a cotton throw and another faux fur blanket. I would be warm or die of suffocation trying to be warm.

Took a quick 5 km hike on the Bat Lake Trail. Not much to see on this trail. One lookout was kind of nice. Oscar, the dog, took a big shit there. I guess he had been holding it for a while. That was the extent of my wildlife viewing. 5 km works out to about two hours of hiking, so we were pretty tired by the time we finished dinner (lentil stew with sprouted wheat bread and vegan margarine for me). Cheryl made some hot chocolate with peppermint Schnapps and dad made a  roaring fire for the full camping experience. But, I was desperate to crawl into my nest at 8 p.m.

My eyelids stuck to my eyeballs in the early morning

I was not cold. I read by the light of an LED flashlight for a while. Heard my dad crawl out of his tent and move to the comfort of the RV after about 20 minutes. Decided I would not be comfortable unless I took off my bra. So, I unzipped the sleeping bag, unzipped my hoodie, took it off, unbuttoned my long underwear, slid them off my shoulders, pulled off my long-sleeved t-shirt, removed said bra, and proceeded to re-bundle myself in a cotton cocoon. It wasn't long before I was drifting into a restless sleep, waking every two hours to back pain, shoulder pain, numb arms, pains in my hips. I am too old for this shit. I woke up at one point and couldn't peel my eyes open because they were kind of frozen to my eyelids. That's when I pulled my hat down over my eyes. I was also occasionally awakened by the sound of wolves howling. Lots of them. That was super cool!

Then, I had to pee. It was still dark. But, it was not one of those pees with which you can just hold onto your crotch and ignore until morning. It was urgent and would not let me go back to sleep. I had to get up and go out into the freezing cold and squat by the nearest pine tree. Of course, I didn't bother to slip on my moccasins, so I peed on my damn foot. Didn't notice in the pitch darkness until I felt the warmth creeping through my wool sock, chrissakes. Now I would have to have one cold, sockless foot for the rest of the night.

Needless to say, I did not get a good sleep. I did, however, enjoy the Hemlock Bluff Trail the next morning, having had a very chilly shower without a towel to dry off and a breakfast of granola and chocolate soy milk, drank from my leftover pumpkin spice latte paper cup. I always forget to take towels when I'm camping. But, I survived and I look forward to the next challenge.