The Elora Phoney Palace

     Once upon a time, there were three poor women looking for an adventure. Well, two of them were looking for an adventure. The other one just really wanted a soy-free burger that wouldn't make her face turn red and give her the squirts. But, all three of them decided to go to The Elora Phoney Palace - a magical tent that just appears like magic in the Grand River Valley.

     The first poor, old woman (Gertie), was very bossy and liked to drive. So, she came up with the plan for the adventure and picked up the second poor, old woman (Pearl), and then the third poor, old woman (Mavis). Gertie, Pearl and Mavis were just starting out when they came upon a big, old, red light - which Gertie proceeded to ignore because she was very excited about the adventure.

Creepy motherfucking sculpture in Elora

     Pearl and Mavis were a little concerned about Gertie ignoring the big, old, red light. 

     "Did you diiiiiie?" asked Gertie. But, no one died so everything was ok.

     The first stop on the adventure was a place called Doodoo's Bakery in a town called Bailieboro where it is said some of the best butter tarts in Ontario can be found. Gertie ate her butter tart quickly and was soon revved up like a deuce on sugar, sugar, sugar! Mavis bought six tarts to save for later. Pearl couldn't have the best butter tarts in Ontario because they might have soy in them.

     On Friday afternoon, the road to the Elora Phoney Palace is very busy and alot of the fucking idiots on the road don't know how to drive. Many of the assholes along the way would drive in the passing lane, even if they weren't passing. Sometimes, the car in front of them would slam on their brakes for no apparent fucking reason, which gave Gertie road rage while Mavis and Pearl started getting a bit of whiplash. Mavis' tarts kept flying out of the back seat and smushing on the floor.

     "Did you diiiiiiiie?" asked Gertie, when Mavis complained about her smushed tarts. But, no one died so everything was ok.

     Pearl was checking the map to make sure that they arrived at the Elora Phoney Palace in good time. So, when the women got to Guelph, she told Gertie to turn left at the exit onto Highway 6. Gertie refused to turn left. She was sure that would take them south and they clearly wanted to go north. However, they ended up on the wrong road. Gertie still refused to listen to Pearl's directions and demanded that Pearl keep her eyes down for the rest of the gawdamn way! 

     But, when they finally arrived in the Grand River Valley, there was no Elora Phoney Palace. Mavis lost her shit!

     "Oh heeeellll no. Everything is supposed to be set up. You said.."

     "I know I said," Gertie replied.

     "You said... wait!" Mavis interrupted.

     "You saw the email," Gertie protested.

     "You said, 'We're gonna be there at four?" Mavis demanded.

     "I said, 'We're gonna be there at four." Gertie confirmed.

     "She said, ' Check in is at two," Mavis averred.

     "She said, 'Check in is at two," Gertie repeated.

     "Check in is at two... Check, check, CHECK!" Mavis yells, pointing at the very flat, circle of tent laying on the ground at campsite #40. "Listen. To what I'm going to say right now.... This clearly is not going to work."

     So, the three poor, old women went for dinner because, clearly, Mavis had low blood sugar. They had crepes (without soy) and everyone was very happy. They bought some booze from a place that looked like a church (which was weird) and, when they returned, the Elora Phoney Palace was magically in place. The adventure could continue.

     The Grand River Valley doesn't allow people to have booze or drink it. Not sure why. Perhaps it is the reason they don't have mosquitoes. But, the women just drank the booze out of Tim Horton's cups because Fuck that Shit. They had a lovely fire, but they soon ran out of wood. So, Mavis pulled a tree out of the forest and they set that on fire. 

     Mavis farted alot in the Elora Phoney Palace. Kielbasa makes her farts smell like really bad roasted turkey. And, Pearl snores a little. It was also about minus 12. But, Gertie had never slept better.

     The first quest for the morning on Saturday was to get coffee and tea from Tim Horton's because life is just better with coffee and tea. Gertie got lots of hash browns because the internet promised they were not made with soy. Gertie got an 18-cheese bagel, which is ridiculous because there is no reason to have that much cheese in anything. 

     By the time they returned to the Grand River, there was a big lineup at the tire store. The tire store doesn't even friggin' open until 9 a.m., but there was a lineup of 70 people at 8:15 a.m. This was some bullshit. The poor, old women needed tires to float down the Grand River with all of the other people. It was an essential part of the adventure. At least the women had coffee and tea while they waited in the lineup. And, they made some friends with some of the other people around them while they waited. Meanwhile, Gertie made fun of Pearl's orange flip flops, Mavis made fun of Gertie's yoga poses and Pearl made fun of Mavis' foot phobia. 

     "It doesn't seem like you three like each other very much," remarked the new friend they had made in the lineup. But, that's what it's like when you're best friends. So, what the fuck does he know.

     In spite of Gertie's skepticism, the women were able to procure three fat tires, helmets and safety vests in order to float down the river. They had to sign waivers because a) the possibility of being ejected from your tube does exist, b) hazardous rocks may be present below the surface of the water and c) foot entrapment in submerged rocks is possible. They also had to walk miles and miles to the river and they were exhausted... but they didn't diiiiie. However, Tim Horton's hash browns are definitely made with soy, which made Pearl have to shit.

     The next quest for the three poor, old women was to travel to St. Jacob's where there is supposed to be a big market full of good things to eat and buy. The market is, indeed, huge and full of many interesting things. Gertie pigged out on Samosas, spicy pepperettes, apple fritters and real potato chips. Pearl was able to find some granola that didn't have soy, and a piece of focaccia, but no burger. It was very hot, so they bought some fresh squeezed lemonade in 1 liter jugs. But, there were lots of chunks of lemon rind and lemon seeds in the bottom that made Mavis want to puke. The drinks would have been much better without chunks and maybe a bit of gin or vodka. 

     The quest for a soy-free burger took them all the way to Fergus, a town of predominantly Scottish heritage with a big, wooden man in a kilt on the main street. The Fergusson Room Pub was supposedly the best place to find a soy-free burger, so they went there. They had a great meal and a very nice server and everyone was happy.

     Gertie brought her mala beads to try to stay calm whenever things got too stressful. She had to repeat her mantra, wishing everyone peace and love, every once in a while because some people are just too stupid to live. For example, if the sign at the restaurant says "Please wait to be seated", you should fucking-well wait to be seated. Also, don't ask your server where the chicken wings are on the menu. The server gave you a menu so you could fucking read it. She is not going to read it for you, you stupid twat.  In conclusion, don't order two glasses of water at a restaurant, ask your server a bunch of stupid questions and then decide that you don't want anything at that restaurant. Just don't leave your house anymore because you are an asshole. You and your crack-whore friend with the short skirt and stupid hair. 

     Pearl and Mavis could not understand Gertie's mantra because it is in Sanskrit. But, they thought it sounded alot like Chaka Kahn. So, to help clear her chakras, they decided to play some Chaka Kahn. This was incredibly therapeutic and soon everyone's chakras were very clear. They were all dancing and singing in the car and having so much fun. Mavis even put her foot up on the passenger-side door so she could do the "stanky leg" dance. This caused Gertie to scream, "Let your pussy out!" Which really made no fucking sense. Mavis had no intention of letting her pussy out. She was just really feeling the beat. Pearl didn't want to see Mavis' pussy either. She was glad to be in the back seat. They all laughed so hard because Gertie is a real dumbass with a bit of Tourette's syndrome. They had to pull over because Gertie couldn't see the road; she was laughing and crying so hard. But, they didn't diiiiie, which was good.

     They all went to the Grand River Casino later on, hoping to win some money. Mavis won 34 cents, but Pearl and Gertie lost all their money. They all went back to the Elora Phoney Palace and drank some more booze from their 1 liter jugs until they fell asleep.

    In the morning, they had soy-free eggs and ham at The Social Box, which is really the best breakfast you can get anywhere. And, they lived happily ever after.