Weekend of Feasts

    I had the best weekend EVAR! My first week as a full-time bookkeeper was alright. I miss having tips in my pocket all the time, but the budget seems to be going well. I managed to have money left over from fifteen days ago - so I took the old man out to dinner on Friday.
     I texted him from the living room. He was working in the garage, as usual, far too late on a Friday afternoon. I just said, "Let's get pizza. In Belleville." I'm surprised he agreed. Rod hates going to the city. Too far, too many traffic lights, too much traffic. But, we went and had pizza at Pizza Hut.
     It was just like the old days when we couldn't really afford diner at a nice restaurant. And, damn that pizza was good after two weeks without dairy and fish. As a side note, I chose to go Vegan (no meat, no dairy, no eggs) two weeks ago, just to see if I could do it mostly. It has been good. But, I cheat every once in a while with some cheese or some sushi. I can't be considered Vegan anyway because I wear leather and wool. Vegan's are very strict about who can join their group. lol
     One of the side effects of my going Vegan has been that I fart and shit a lot more. I get most of my protein from beans and nuts and I assume that has been the cause of my gassy belly. It can be quite painful. More on that later.
     Anyway, it was a great night out with Rod. We bought three medium pizzas for thirty bucks. I ate all but two slices of my veggie lovers in about 15 minutes! Felt really sick after, but I enjoyed every minute of it.
     Saturday, we planned to go out to our family cabin for the night. We got out there in lots of time to just relax on the couch together before we started making supper. Vegetarian and meat lovers chili with fresh, white buns! Yum. All cooked on the woodstove. Washing it down with hot apple cider.
   

We had another couple and their two boys staying with us and my dad and his wife came down for dinner, as well, with their two dogs. I gathered hickory nuts and chokecherries from the forest. Hickory nuts, if you ever get the chance to try them, are so good although tricky to get all of the meat out. Chokecherries are very bitter, but make a very nice jelly that tastes kinds of like grape jelly with a lot of cloves in it.
     After dinner, we had a campfire amid the fallen October leaves. It was a new moon, dark as pitch. Later, I played Monopoly and cards with the boys. It was just a great experience all around.
     But, I was really gassy from the chili. Lots of kidney beans in my chili. I had the kind of farts that feel like they are trying to rip their way out of you from the inside. So, every time I went outside to squat beside the cabin for a pee (no indoor plumbing and the outhouse seems so far in the pitch dark), I would have to push out a big, loud toot.
     Sometime around 11 p.m., I pushed out what I thought was going to be another fart and ended up being a full-sized turd! I was completely unprepared with just a small square of tp, but I made do. Still, I couldn't leave a steaming heap of shit for someone to find in the morning! I had to scoop my poop like a responsible pet owner would do, right?
     I nonchalantly retrieved a pile of paper towels and a plastic bag from the cabin and returned to collect my lawn parcel. Like I said, it was pitch dark. The only light was shining through the windows of the cabin. I made an educated guess about the exact location that my shit would have landed and prayed I would connect with something relatively solid.
    As luck would have it, I grabbed what felt like a cucumber-sized log on the first try! Yay me. I quickly shoved it into the baggie, using another couple of paper towels to wipe up any residual. It wouldn't pass CSI inspection, but surely to goodness no one would be the wiser. I stashed the baggie in the bushes until I could safely deposit it in the trash in the morning. I might have to explain to Rod why the garbage smells so shitty, but he has heard stranger stories from me. None that I can think of off the top of my head...
     Sunday was a great day of rest. I watched Romeo and Juliet, the 1968 version. I did some grocery shopping, paid some bills. Had a nap. Monday morning came too soon. I had a shitty day at work. And decided Friday could not come soon enough.
     Monday night, my dad calls on Rod's cell phone. I answered.
     "Hey, do you know if anyone would have taken a shit at the corner of the cabin on Saturday?"
     I just started confessing and apologizing over and over again. In fact, if I hadn't already confessed to every horrible and disgusting thing I had ever done on facebook already, I'd probably still be confessing things.
     "Oh my god, are you kidding me? Dad I'm so sorry. It was me!! I was going pee and it just came out! I'm so sorry. Oh my god. I am so humiliated right now! I swear I checked to make sure I picked it all up!... Wait a minute... Why are you asking me? Did something happen?"
     Turns out, Dad was walking with the dogs by the cabin on Monday when he noticed Oscar, the little shih tzu, munching on something by the corner. When he got back to the house, all he could smell was shit. Then, he smelled Oscar's breath and WHEW! The dog couldn't stop smacking his lips, for goodness sake!
     What I thought was going to be a secret that no one would find out about, has turned into one of those most embarrassing moments that I just couldn't keep to myself. Think what you want about me, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.