Sherla the Logophile Trains for a New Career

     Here I am in Ottawa! It's the 5th time in my adult life that I've moved in with Jodi because she's one of the few people in the world I can stand for more than a couple of days. So far, so good. 

Welcome Home

     My housemates are all actors, so there is alot of creative energy. Someone is learning a new song on the piano, someone is making Youtube videos, someone is baking pie, someone is doing flips in the living room... the point is, I'm in heaven. Anything I want to do is not only encouraged, it's supported. Including my childhood dream of becoming a voice actor. 

     Side note: I didn't know I wanted to be a voice actor as a child. I just remember reading all of my books out loud using different voices. I also made myself read each sentence perfectly, without tripping over a word and enunciating every syllable. I would try to get through every paragraph in one breath. Sometimes, I would even read the words backwards so I could pretend I spoke a different language.

     Within hours of arriving in O-Town, I somehow mentioned this obsession with words to Jodi. I won't call it an unusual obsession. One thing I've discovered in my 40s: you only THINK it's unusual because no one has talked to you about it. Let your freak flags fly and you will find your tribe! Anyway, she immediately found me a voice acting class that just happened to be starting the following Monday. 

     I got my first assignment via e-mail before I even attended a class. We had to memorize a poem that has since been etched into my brain forever. I have recited it fast, slow, quiet, loud, high-pitched and Barry White-esque. Oh, and I've had to say it while sticking out my tongue. https://youtu.be/nE9HhSxlzvk

     Also, we were to practice beatboxing, or making your mouth become a drum machine. AKA: A thing there is no fucking way I am going to be able to do. You know how you sign yourself up for something, or you agree to go to an event that you're kind of excited about, and then you realize you were very, very wrong to do so? Yeah, that's happened to me a couple of times.

     I'll give you a link to the tutorial, but the basic premise of my beatboxing experience is getting your mouth to do two different things while your nose and throat are doing something different. Something they really don't want to do. Like humming and kissing and spitting at the same damn time. In the end I found it fascinating, but I could have choked to death. 

     I arrived at my first class the way I used to arrive at Bible Study - verses memorized and looking forward to the food afterward. But, my first impressions were very positive and I left feeling determined and inspired, albeit, a little hungry.

     There is a good mix of people at my Power of Voice class; people of different ages, ethnicities, heights and weights. But, they all seem like good people... except for one. She used to be a teacher. I know this because she mentions it every half hour at least. She's a know it all, a grammar Nazi, she hates millennials (or anyone born after 1980), her husband, the fact that she is old, and that no one appreciates an Oxford comma. She likes to recite lines from obscure plays and then acts surprised when no one knows what she's talking about. Then, she reminds herself, out loud, how unrefined the rest of us are. She takes every opportunity to tell the young people in the class that they are inferior because none of them can put together a sentence properly and they frustrate her with their pop culture nonsense. She told the one adult male in our class that he could only ever get parts for old wizards and dwarves. 

     Let it be known, this woman ran in front of my car as we were leaving our final class last night, and I resisted the urge to run her over. 

     We did a recap of the things we've learned in the last month and I will tell you all you need to know about becoming a voice actor (IMHO). 

Let your freak flag fly and you'll find your tribe

1. Practice your consonants. Say them all loudly and proudly. Sing Selena Gomez' song "Love You Like A Love Song" and try to enunciate every L, every P, every V... I swear she uses all the digraphs in there, too. (Digraph: Proof that I learn new shit every day.)
2. Practice your breathing. Conserve your breath. Make plans where you're going to take your breaths in sentences. Sing Adele songs. "Someone Like You" is a real bitch to plan your breathing around, but so is "Water Under the Bridge". 
3. Exercise your tongue. Yeah, you thirsty bitches out there know what I'm talking about ;) Tongue Twisters are great. Let your tongue know who's boss. Touch every one of your teeth as quickly as you can. Then, try to spit some simplistic pimp shit. Channel your inner Cardi B.
4. English is fuct. You can actually start fights over how something is pronounced. For fun, invite a room full of people to recite The Chaos Poem by Gerard Nolste Trenite. More drama than playing Monopoly. 
5. Expect to be spit on while working as an actor. I am not going to practice this. I am just going to hope it never happens. There are few things in the world I like less than spit, except maybe middle aged, narcissistic teachers with a penchant for insults and being right all the time.