Ditch the Workout, Join the Party.

There's nothing quite as nasty as 15 pasty-faced, middle-aged, white women trying to shake their asses off in a Zumba class. Some of the participants in Wednesday's class at the Prince Edward Fitness and Aquatic Centre were not middle-aged and some of them were not pasty-faced. But, it was all kinds of messed up.

     When you see the ads for Zumba workouts, the people always look young, sexy and bronzed, wearing the latest, ultra-hip Zumbawear and walking like Ricky Martin on a cruise ship in rough waters. I would like to look like those people. Instead, I wore some black yoga pants and a black t-shirt that says, "Inside me is a really thin woman trying to get out. I can usually shut the Bitch up with chocolate."

     I wasn't out of place either. Some women wore cotton capris and Ts, others wore shorts and Ts, some even wore pyjamas. My friend, Kimmy, on the other hand, went shopping just for the occasion. She was decked out in brand new Spandex yoga pants, spaghetti tank and running shoes. Show off, lol.

     So, the basic Zumba moves are Merengue, Salsa, Cumbia and Reggaeton. I don't know which steps were which, but there's some stepping out and in, some waving your arms around, and alot of rolling your hips. It's the hip rolling that is both hilarious and unattractive when performed by our group. We were all trying our best to look like sexy belly dancers while twisting and humping and sache-ing around the hardwood floor, but it was just really pathetic. Lots of fun though and definitely a good workout.
     The top half of my ass is really sore today. And, yes, when your ass gets to be the size of mine, it has to be divided into sections - the top half is the part of the ass that forms a square in your "mom" jeans and the bottom half  is the part that generally folds over the back of your legs. Anyway, I attribute my ass pain to the humping move. It's just like it sounds - bend your knees, extend your fists in front and push your butt out, then pull your fists towards you while you squeeze your butt cheeks. Do this as fast as you possibly can and you, too, can Zumba. I could not go as fast as the instructor and I consider myself a pretty avid humper.
     Can you imagine seeing your mother do this? The instructor's grown daughter was taking the class for the first time! She was obviously mortified, but she also couldn't stop laughing. My kids would have run from the room screaming for someone to stab them in the eyeballs.
     Then, there's my groin pain. Let's talk about the move in which I had to squat with my legs spread and my arms bent, hands up, out at my sides; kind of like a dancing bear. In this position, I shake my hips from side to side, trying to make my elbows touch my love handles. This is very fun and about as close to sexy as I'm gonna look in this class. However, it causes a cold rush of air to my hoohoo. It also jostles around my vag in a very uncomfortable manner. It's disturbing even for me to think about my poor labia wobbling around in my panties like watermelon Jell-o. That's a nice visual, isn't it. Your welcome!
     Coincidentally, I had been talking about this same sensation with some of the girls at work about 3 weeks ago. It is most commonly experienced while doing jumping jacks. Go ahead, try it right now. If you don't feel it the first time, your underwear are too tight. Take them off and try again.
     Kimmy's favourite move was "Wiping the Counter". With your left hand raised above your head, use your right hand to wipe an imaginary countertop in a counter-clockwise motion. Then, follow suit with your hips in a biiiiiiig circle. It's hoola-hooping in slow motion, so it's easy and a bit naughty.
     I have to keep going to Zumba so I can practice the Beyonce move from Crazy in Love, in which she squats with her legs apart and does booty pops. This is my favourite move and it will help me to kick Tairn's ass next time we are Wii-ing with Just Dance 2. Oh, IT IS ON, my friend!

This is me after a few Zumba classes. Actually, it's Beyonce. But, you will not know the difference soon...

     So, the class on Monday night in Wellington had about 85 people attending. I heard it was a blast. Quite frankly, it would have pissed me off to be in a room with that many rhythm-impaired people throwing their arms around for the "machete" move (yeah, that sounds safe, doesn't it?) I'm more of a mosh pit girl myself. If you want to go, take $8 to the Wellington Arena on Mondays at 7p.m. or book your spot in advance at PEFAC Wednesdays at 7 p.m. or Thursdays at 9 a.m. I would give you the phone number, but I can't find it on the website at http://www.pefac.ca/