I kid you not. Monday morning I Googled the word "shampoo" to find out who came up with such an insult to the English language. I was in the shower, absent-mindedly reading the various bottles therein, and decided the word was stupid. I even contemplated whipping a little, harmless, bottle of Aveda that I got from a hotel room because it contained the French word for conditioner (Apres-Shampoo) written on it.
That, my friends, is severe PMS. Donations to my poor husband to ease the trauma I cause every month can be forwarded to him at RR#8 Picton. Hahaha. Nah, he's good. A mood swing is just around the corner.
Retail therapy is a known cure for hormonal imbalances. Well, maybe not a cure... but a Band-Aid solution, at least. However, I can't shop for clothes at a time like this. Everything I try on will make me look like a cow. I hate shopping for household items because I just don't care that much about what my house looks like. Shoes are fairly safe to shop for, but they are expensive. Basically, I am limited to groceries and books the week before my period arrives.
The next dilemma is $$$. I've got a car payment and an RRSP withdrawal coming out of my bank account on Tuesday morning. Tips have been the shits lately (NOT related to my PMS, so shut up!) so I've got very little spare cash (if any). What's a girl to do?
Here's the plan. Put $10 in the Soul to get to Belleville. There, I am going to pick up a book for Janet at Walmart. Shopping with other people's money is a fabulous idea when faced with iGRIEF (instant Gratification Required. It's an Emergency, Fuckhead!) That's the best acronym I could come up with in 5 minutes. I know it's lame. So, sue me.
Like I said, shopping with other people's money is the best, because there's no guilt or buyer's remorse and you still get the feeling of accomplishment. Water for Elephants is about $12 at Walmart right now and I hear it's a very good story. When Janet is finished, I get to read it, so she's like surrogate for me - she pays for the book and I get to read it in about 9 weeks or less. The only thing that would be better is shopping for somebody else for something that costs a little more than $12. More adrenaline with a bigger purchase.
Next on the list: The Bulk Barn. I would have made it out of there with about $5 in purchases; whole grain spaghetti, short grain brown rice, a handful of dried apricots and peanut butter was all I had on the list. Unfortunately, I found Miso paste, which I have been searching for these past few weeks. It was $6.99! So, I am minus another $12. Now, if I can remember what I wanted Miso paste for, I'll be set.
Had to stop for mall sushi. That's another $10 :(
At this point, I could have used a gift card at Old Navy to buy something, but clothing shopping is out of the question. So, I head to Canadian Tire where I can use my Options Mastercard points to buy a cutting board and windshield washer fluid. Cutting boards are on sale this week for 60% off and, in spite of my messy housekeeping, I'm a bit of a germaphobe when it comes to cutting boards and countertops. Points = free! I'm winning!
The best deal of the day, however, comes from No Frills. I purchased tomatoes (because there aren't any available at Crowe's tomato farm on County Road One until April - and that's another story), relish, sweet chili sauce, frozen butter chicken dinners for Austin, a cucumber for Rodney (I hate cucumbers) and Pogos because they were on sale for $5 off. Couldn't get kale because you can never do ALL of your grocery shopping at one fucking store! Noooooo. You have to go to all three goddamn places if you want to get everything on your goddamn list, don't you find? Or, is it just me? I guess mom can't read this blog because of language. Sorry, mom.
So, I'm already pissy when I get to the cash and the only cashier without a lineup is the one I've seen you all mention on facebook. I can't say anything defamatory here because she's related. Suffice it to say, she wasn't any nicer to me than she is to anybody else. When I checked my bill, I found the Pogos cost $8.99, not $3.97 as the sign said. In order to get a refund, I had to go to a different cash register. That cashier was leaving for break, so I had to wait for another cashier to come down from "upstairs". That cashier was taking her damn sweet time giving me a refund and I was getting more irritated by the second. All my retail therapy was for nought. I envisioned grabbing this young lady by the ponytail and giving her a face roll on the price scanner.
Instead, I said I would go and check the sale sign so that she wouldn't be troubled with another refund (since they are clearly beyond her realm of knowledge). I brought the sign back to the cash register and it wasn't just one of those yellow stickers they put up over the regular retail price. It was a letter-sized placard in a metal frame. Clearly, people have been scooping up $4 Pogo boxes and paying $9 all weekend.
This simple maneuver of removing the sign was, apparently, a game-changer. Now, I would not only get my refund, I would also get the box of Pogos for free! WINNER! GAGNON! I actually said "YAY!" right out loud.
As an added bonus, I got home and discovered my sweet chili sauce has the word "COCK" all over the label. This just made my day even brighter because, unlike "shampoo", I really like the word "cock".
After the planes, trains and automobiles, we turned to Julia Roberts movies, which led to more traveling. Dad did the "Eat, Pray, Love" excursion a couple of years ago and had the time of his life. It was only across Canada (not Italy, India and Bali), but he did manage to find himself. Before he left, though, he wondered if he could spend that much time in his own company without getting on his own nerves. I think my dad may be schizophrenic based on that comment.
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