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| Lake Wallenpaupack |
Traffic was good. You always get those people who pass you and then slow down. So, you pass them and then they speed up. Ten minutes later they pass you again, etc. etc. That's frigging annoying, isn't it? I just want people to use their goddamn cruise control.
Anyway, we get to the border and we got a grouchy border patrol officer. I've never been unreasonably delayed at the border, but I always get a grouchy one in one direction and a friendly one in the other. This guy was all "I hate my life" and "What's your citizenship?", "Where are you going?", "How are you related?", "What do you do for a living?" I don't know why they ask you this shit sometimes.
Then he says, "Why are you going to the Poconos?", which would be a normal question except that he scrunched up his nose at the mere idea of going to northeast Pennsylvania. He asked it in the same way he might ask, "Why are you putting maple syrup on those mashed potatoes?"
Well, I wanted to take all the credit. I told him how we were going to rent a room with a 7-foot champagne glass-shaped whirlpool tub, a swimming pool, a massage table and a sauna. I stopped short of telling him all the sexual positions I was going to try because he dismissed me with a grimace and a wave of his hand. I think he must have just broken up with his wife or something 'cos he looked like he wanted to barf.
As we drove away, Rod said he wanted to say we were going to the Poconos "to see the fucking NASCAR race and we want a good seat." But, I wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise.
Somewhere in the south end of New York, we stopped to pick up a box o' logs for the fireplace, a bag o' pizza-flavoured Combos, some razors and some lube. We also stopped at Sonic so I could share the experience of eating at a traditional drive-in, fast food joint with Rod. He had never been. For those of you who haven't been before, everything they make there is deep fried and covered with meat AND cheese. The only thing I can eat are the Ched'R Poppers. Rod got a chili cheese dog.
With the first bite, I watched him struggling like a dog who has peanut butter on the roof of its mouth. Turns out, the cheese sauce is unnaturally gummy and could prolly be used to attach dentures. Rod is not a Sonic fan.
Two hours later, we are driving down a narrow, hilly road with a speed-limit of 55 mph looking for the resort. We finally see a monstrous sign in the middle of a field that directs us to turn onto an even more narrow, bumpy road with another sign. This one was the size of a small election sign in pink and white that said, "Lovers turn here". We almost missed it. Just a few minutes down, we turned in to the resort where they have a snow machine making a 400 metre oval track of snow for the snowmobiles.
"Oh my fuck," Rodney said, laughing hysterically. All we could think of was how he and his redneck friends would get on one of those sleds, hang the skis and tear that patch of snow down to the grass in one lap.
Now, I was very nervous about booking this resort because I had read the reviews on TripAdvisor and heard that the place was "cheesy", "dated", "run down" and downright "dirty". So, when I saw the snowmobiling available, I was a little concerned. But, we checked in anyway and headed to our room.
I had died and gone to romance heaven. I was so happy, I wanted to run down to the front desk and kiss them. Instead I kissed Rodney, which was much more exciting. The next thing I know, we're making out in the heart-shaped pool, making out by the fireplace, and making out in the bathroom while the champagne hot tub fills up.
It was one of those scenes from a RomCom, in which the couple is swept away with passion, knocking lamps off of the side tables, tripping over each other's arms and legs, knocking someone's head off the side of the pool... pure hormonal fire! At one point, between the champagne tub and the ultra-plush bed, I completely lost Rodney. Turns out, the heat was too much for him. He stood up in the bubbling, hot water and got a head rush, almost falling backwards over the edge of the 7-foot tub! Can you imagine?! What if I had to call for an ambulance to come get my naked and broken husband off the floor? And, me with a concussion from hitting my head off the ceramic tile. After that, we decided we'd better take it easy.
It had started to freeze rain as we headed to dinner. Our room was located at the top of a steep hill on the northeast end of the resort from the dining room. We walked anyway just to get some cool air and clear our heads. The meals are all inclusive and all-you-can-eat and we were famished. They also have a photographer on-site to take pictures of all the loving couples. Well, I wasn't falling for that gimmick. They take your picture and then they want to charge you $25 for one 4x6 like they do at Canada's Wonderland. Frig that! I'll take my own damn pictures. So, when the photographer came around, I just told him my face wasn't ready for photos. He looked at me like I was on a day pass from the cuckoo nest.
The rest of the staff had speech impediments, which were really funny to hear in real life. It was just their New York or New Jersey accents, but whenever we heard the server ask, "Kin I gitch yas somethin' from the bah?", it made us pee our pants.
Dessert was also all-you-can-eat and I wasn't letting anything go to waste. I got soft serve ice cream so I could put on all the toppings at the sundae bar. There was chocolate chips, Reese's Pieces, white chocolate, hot fudge, hot caramel, all kinds of fruit, nuts in brown sugar sauce and candied sprinkles. I was so excited, I was eating my hot caramel in chunks with my fingers on the way back to our table. Rod was too embarassed to be seen with me, but he laughed anyway.
The next day, we were playing some friendly ping pong at the sports hall when we got signed up for an air hockey competition against another couple. She was pregnant with twins - due in April and already the size of a medicine ball - and he was a 6-foot gangster type guy. Nice people. Rodney felt bad for KICKING THEIR ASSES. Muahahaha. We got a couple of Cove Haven medallions for winning and Rodney wanted to give his to the losers. I tried to explain it's not the same if you don't win.
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| We are the champions, my friends! |
Karma came back to get me, though. We took out some tennis rackets and balls for the indoor courts and Rodney told the attendant he was gonna beat me over the head with the racket for being mouthy. She laughed kind of nervously, not sure whether he was joking or not, but she gave us the rackets anyway... after we signed a waiver. Sure enough, we had knocked a few balls across the court when I "pulled a Sherla" and tried to return the ball with my face? My top AND bottom lip were puffy and my nose was bleeding a bit when we returned the rackets. Rod says, "See? I told you she was gonna get it!" Good thing we were laughing uncontrollably or she might have called in a domestic.
I tried to win the Sexual Trivia games for more medallions, but we sucked hardcore. The winning team had 19 out of 24 questions right. We were the bottom of the pile with only 9 out of 24. I also wanted to stay up for the karaoke at Cupid's Corner, but we had been going to bed, totally spent, at 7:30 p.m.
So, there we were the night before we have to go home. We are stuffed like pigs from the unending food. My butt is sore from walking up and down the steep hill to our room. I have a headache and a goose egg on the back of my skull. My lips are puffy, my nose is bleeding and the muscles in my shoulders are sore from playing tennis for the first time in 25 years.
I hadn't felt this good in forever! Can't wait to go back next January.
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