I get to work at 7:55 with puffy eyes and crazy bedhead. The kitchen opens at 8 a.m., but there's always that ooooooone gawdamn chipper couple, who like to "get up with the chickens" and have "breaky" ASAP. They were already making themselves to home in the dining room. I would call them assholes, but this particular couple is in regularly and I actually quite enjoy them. I just wasn't very happy to see them before the kitchen staff had even arrived. And, before I had made coffee or anything.
Then I read the note. The evening shift left a little note to say that the water glasses had not been polished. To paraphrase, evening staff's shit does not stink, but day staff suck big donkey dicks. That's how I interpret it anyway.
I have worked day shifts and night shifts, so I know both of us screw up, forget, get lazy, screw the pooch a little... whatever. Now, I wouldn't mind the occasional reprimand as long as you throw me a bone (for the dog I'm fucking, lol) every once in a while. How 'bout, "Hey, thanks for vacuuming underneath all of my tables on Saturday because I didn't have a chance to vacuum at all after my shift Friday night." Or, "I appreciate you folding all those napkins on Sunday afternoon and resetting our tables for us, because we were swamped and couldn't leave you any clean cutlery or folded napkins or stock any coffee cups for you. Sorry, if you had to do all that on top of all the other wonderful things you do :)" Anyway, to hell with co-workers. They suck sometimes, but I love the crazy bastards anyway. (I have to say that, some of them will read this. haha)
It is Monday. We had a fairly busy weekend in the resturant. The food order doesn't come in until Tuesday. This means, we have a limited amount of food. Limited eggs means limited specials and limited pancakes. Fortunately, everyone decided to have the fresh fruit plate.
As a side note: If you order a "fresh fruit" plate in winter, and are subsequently shocked to get a bowl of fruit cocktail with mostly melon, it is my humble opinion that you're an idiot. Fruit does not grow in Ontario in winter, so "fresh" is a subjective term in the food industry.
You are also an idiot if you pay $12 for breakfast at a resort when you can get the same stuff at the diner down the road for half that price.
To continue, I had two ladies come in today - along with six other tables of two. That's 14 people of you are keeping track. I feel I am on top of things. Everyone has menus. I'm working on getting coffee, water and orange juice for everyone. I also have to take a few minutes to explain the breakfast special with a big smile on my face.
As a side note: If you order coffee, water AND orange juice with your breakfast, it is my humble opinion that you are a douchebag. Particularly, if you order all three things separately so that the server has to make three different trips to your table. Also, you are too thirsty and you have diabetes. And, you will pee your pants.
Anyway, these two ladies (who I would call regulars) were waiting for a third friend, who arrived a few minutes later. I was just putting an order for another table in to the computer, when I hear the third lady ask why they don't have coffee yet. The other ladies whisper (loudly enough that I can hear them only a few feet away) that the waitress hasn't returned to the table since she brought menus. I look over to let them know I can hear them and, as I am walking past their table, the third lady says with all the self-righteous indignance that her blue hair can produce, "Can we get coffees over here?"
I just stared at her for a second and said I would be right over. When I returned with three coffees, one of the first two ladies says, "Oh, I don't want coffee. I'll have orange juice... and water." While I am pouring juice, I can hear them clear as day saying, "I don't know what the problem is. When the other girl is working, it's so well organized. Everything just runs tickety-boo."
Well, fuck you. Fuck you and your smooth sailing, bullshit life, you dusty old prairiefart fuckdouche!
These are some of the swear words that run through my head while I try to convince myself NOT to lick her cutlery. Instead, I politely say, "I'm sorry you aren't happy with the service. Let's see if I can't be better." And, I take their order... for fresh fruit plates.
Around 10 o'clock, my shift is almost over and I can start re-stocking, cleaning and vacuuming. A table of two walks in and sits at a dirty table. So, I go over and sweep off some crumbs, clear some plates, get some menus, etc. I had just set down the knife and fork when the woman shakes her head, picks up the fork I had just set down and proceeds to determinedly replace it on the LEFT of her knife. As though she was offended by my ignorance. Now, don't get me wrong. I would love to offer people the most grandiose and luxurious breakfast experience possible, and that entails proper fork placement, as well as, relaxing atmosphere and good grammar. But, sometimes, motherfuckers sit at a dirty table. To boot, they wanted pancakes... and we were out of pancakes. This makes me a double failure.
So, I'm done with Monday. And, to celebrate, I made the following two recipes. ENJOY!
SHERLA'S FUCK YOU CARB-FREE SHRIMP AND CABBAGE DINNER
Heat up oil in a frying pan. It doesn't matter how much. Use butter or olive oil or coconut oil or whatever gawddamn greasy shit you have. It just doesn't matter. Fry up some onions and some frozen shrimp with your favourite spices. I used parsley, oregano, pepper flakes and some stuff that Nate gave me. Nobody gives a CRAP what you put in it. It will still taste good. Blanch some cole slaw mix. You can buy it in a bag at No Frills for $1.49. Set aside. Add a small can of diced tomatoes to the shrimp mix and a bit of minced garlic. Thicken with a scoop of tomato paste if you want. Then, add a dollop of mayonnaise. Why mayonnaise? Because "fuck you", that's why. Mix with blanched cabbage mix and top with cheese. Or don't. I don't really care.
BATSHIT COOKIES
cos you're crazy if you don't like 'em
To make them, take all the shit out of your cupboards. Beat 1/2 cup soft butter with 1/2 cup soft margarine, 1 1/2 cups brown sugar, 1/1 cup sugar sugar and some vanilla. Add 2 eggs and beat some more. In a separate bowl, combine 1 1/2 cups flour, 1/2 cup some other flour (like whole wheat or teff or red fife), 1 tsp baking POWDER, 1/4 tsp bkg SODA (Why even bother? Is 1/4 tsp gonna make a difference?) Some salt. 1 1/2 rolled oats, 1 cup rice krispies, 1 cup chocolate chips, 1/2 cup of something else you like and 1 cup of coconut. ONLY USE YOUR ONE CUP MEASURING CUP FOR ALL OF THIS OTHERWISE YOU ARE A CHEATER AND A FAILURE AT LIFE. Bake at 350 for 12 minutes.
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