Don't You Put It In Your Mouth

     I'm never, ever eating Samyang 2xSpicy Ramen again.

     It's not JUST because it's hot. I like spicy foods and that's why I decided to get a package of six in the first place. But, my experience with this particular brand has been forever tarnished by this catastrophe. Listen, children, to my tale of woe.

     I was hungry. It was late. And, I am lazy. So, I decided it was a good time to break out the Spicy Noodles I bought from T&T Supermarket (which is the best place to go if you're bored AND hungry in Ottawa). Easier than Kraft Dinner, I just boiled the water and let the noodles sit for five minutes then added the spicy soup base. 

     Before I relate the embarrassing details that transpired, let me tell you a bit about Scoville Heat Units (SHU). The Scoville Scale measures the pungency of peppers based on the concentration of Capsaicinoids in each. A plain old bell pepper is like a ten, whereas a Carolina Reaper is about 3.2 million SHUs. The shit I foolishly intended to ingest says it is 8400 SHUs, similar to a jalapeno. I eat jalapenos all the time without issue.

     But, after boiling the water to soften the noodles, my soup was too "temperature hot" to enjoy, so I set it down beside my bed and began re-watching Avatar: The Last Air Bender on Netflix. Some fifteen minutes later, I reached down to grab the pot and test it out when I had some kind of seizure and slopped the soup all over my left breast. Jeezus, jeezus, jeezus!! So fucking hot, I thought my nipple was starting to bubble. And, even though I tore off my soaked housecoat, my tit was still scalding because it was laying in a pool of 2X Spicy ramen sauce on my bed and I was still holding the damn pot in an awkward turtle-trapped-on-its-back position.

     I hurried to the bathroom to run my poor, steaming boob under the cold water tap, rubbing off the residue as best I could with my hands and hoping I wouldn't blister. The running water urged me to pee, so I sat down and did my business... wiped, folded and wiped again. As I was checking out the damage in my bathroom mirror (thankfully, I was unscathed), my hoohoo started to burn. I realized quickly the residue from my hands had transferred to the toilet paper, which had transferred to the velvet folds of my labia. For the love of Pete! Will my agony never end? I just wanted some noodles!

     I walked into the kitchen, cold cloth between my legs and cradling my left breast. Surely, the soup was temperate enough to take a bite. I twirled a bunch around a fork with my right hand and, just as I was slurping the last of a long, curly noodle into my mouth, the saucy little fuck flicked up and splashed into my eye! The burning was unbearable. I imagine it was like being sprayed with mace. Or like squirting Frank's Hot lemonade in your eye. So, I waddled over to the kitchen sink, one hand still holding my tit, the other covering my eye and intermittently splashing cold water into it. 

     Samyang is clearly the Asian name for Satan. I left the pot on the counter untouched and it can stay there and think about what it did to me before I flush it down the toilet. I'll get latex gloves first.