新年快樂

    First of all, what's wrong with the "new year, new me" statement? And, what's wrong with making New Year's resolutions? What's wrong with aspiring to do things you didn't do before, but would like to? Are we such a group of Negative Nancy's that we hate the audacity of anyone thinking they might try to do things differently in the New Year? Or, does it just put too much pressure on the rest of us if others are trying to be thinner, stronger, prettier, funnier or smarter than they were last year?

    I have so many questions and not enough good answers! As I do every year, I have made a mental list of all the things I haven't done that I want to try in 2021;  Places I want to visit, foods I want to eat, challenges I want to tackle. But, I am starting the year of easy with a little New Year Skate.

    I gained about 40 pounds in 2020. It's not that I wasn't active - I spent a lot of time on my poor, little feet, lifting parcels at Canada Post and delivering plates of pasta at the restaurant. But, I'm getting close to fifty now and my metabolism is not what it used to be. Also, I drank ALOT. Like... polish-off-a-bottle-of-wine-before-noon-followed-by-beers-before-2-and-finish-with-rum-by-dinnertime-during-the-lockdown kind of drinking. It was great! I also ate alot so hangovers were not usually a thing. I would love to lose this weight, but if it means I can't eat sandwiches and cookies... Well, my pants will just have to stretch.

    That being said, nothing wrong with a New Year's exercise plan. So, I got up this morning, drank my coffee with 1/4 cup of cream and bundled up for a walk to the lake. Mud Lake Conservation Area has such a beautiful maze of trails with lots of chickadees, squirrels and bunny rabbits. Last night, I took a late night stroll through the woods for some fresh air and my Blundstone prints were still visible in the crisp snow this morning. 

    I was enjoying the walk, but I really didn't want to go out in the cold. I was dressed in layers, which always makes me feel too confined. As I got more fat, my boobs grew even more and I'm now wearing a 38G. The "G" stands for too Goddamn Gargantuan for me to carry around anymore. My legs were still a little tight from helping my cousin haul brush to the fire pit yesterday. And, my ear buds felt like they were going to fall out from under my headband. Regardless, I was enjoying the Audible version of Neil Gaiman's Norse Mythology (narrated by the author himself) as I trudged to the lake. 

    I sat on a snow covered rock to put on my skates, which was quite a chore as a result of my belly/breast combination. In this low-seated position, it is damn near impossible to reach my shoes. This is why I gave up on yoga in 2020. There was no way of breathing in many of the positions demonstrated by the instructor, particularly with the twists I used to enjoy so much. No more Arda Matsyendrasana for me - I am more like Magikarp than Lord of the Fishes.

    In order to reach and pull on my skates, I had to take a deep breath, hold it, and throw myself toward them, quickly squeezing my foot into the right one and releasing to take another breath. Tightening and tying requires the same amount of effort. I began to think skating on the lake was not in the cards for me. But, I'm nothing if not tenacious, so I got those motherfuckers on and I proceeded to carefully head down the bank to the snow-covered ice, at which time I struggled, slipped and stumbled about 30 feet to the shoveled path created by ambitious, winter-loving, volunteers.

     By this time, my feet were starting to hurt. The strain of balancing 220 pounds was too much for my overburdened pumpers. Again, I was determined to enjoy my experience and so I persevered. There was no graceful gliding. With every push, I feared my skate would get stuck on a stray ice chunk or crevice and I would break an ankle. But, I was not dissuaded. I skated (somewhat) around the lake and followed the path of a lone skater to land... only to find the maker of this path had only gone that way for a piss on the log on which I had intended to sit and remove my skates! Fuck.

    It was all downhill from there. I got home and I'm now retelling my story of woe. My point is, I probably won't lose any weight in 2021, but I like hoping that I can and sharing it with all of you. I might not learn how to speak Mandarin, but I'm damn sure going to try! If you continue to be the same old asshole you always were, just know that I like that asshole and you should continue to be the you you want to be. But, this bitch, she wants to be a different bad bitch every day. One that can touch her toes without straining (or not), one that cuts calories (or doesn't) and one that might someday run a marathon - tits flying every which way (but, probably not).

    Happy New Year! This is literally my year according to the Chinese calendar because I'm an Ox (s/o to all you '73 babies)!.