The fish whisperer

     One time, when I went on vacation for a few days - I think it was the time we went to Boston. Anyway, I let someone look after our fish while I was gone. When I came back, the fish tank was filled with what looked like porridge, but was actually an entire package of fish food. My fish were practically dead when I dug them out of the muck. Cleo recovered much faster than Chloe, although (to his credit) Cleo had lived through much worse in the almost 15 years that I had him. Chloe required a little bit more attention for her asphyxia. In fact, she floated on her side for 48 hours while I performed fish CPR. Every 15 minutes or so, I would hold her perpendicular and force water through her gills by pushing her through the water back and forth. I contemplated actually performing mouth-to-mouth when things were looking particularly bleak. But, clearly, my oxygen and her oxygen were not compatable. Regardless, she turned out all right and Cleo and Chloe went on to have Petit Gervais, Edward, Lestat, and Louis.
     Every summer for the last 5 years or so, I would put my fish in a makeshift pond in my backyard made from a purple kiddie pool and some local water plants. I would like to think they loved it. They ate mosquito larva and frollicked amid the foliage. However, last year, after I transported my fish from their winter home (a large, barrel-shaped planter) into their summer home, I woke up on each of five days to one less fish. Whatever it was took the babies first. When I went out to count them all on day one, I assumed one was hiding in the foliage. The second day, when both Petit Gervais and Louis were gone, I knew I had to act. I put a heavy board on top of the pond overnight. This prevented the theft for a couple of nights, then the rogue struck again. The board had been moved and Edward and Lestat were gone. I figured the menace was unable to catch the larger fish, so I left the board off and mourned my minnows. To my horror, the next day, Cleo was missing. That was the end of the fishy summer home. Chloe came back in the house and hasn`t been outside since.
     Until today. I decided Chloe had been imprisoned in her dark, winter home for long enough. It was time to set her free to be with the other carp at Point Peter or to get swallowed by the carp and be with her family. I was meeting Amanda for a quick swim before work, so I scooped Chloe into a big Tupperware container with a lid and set out.
     I parked at one end of the beach and couldn`t find Amanda anywhere. So, I took a walk to the other end. There was a group of women in their usual spot along the bluffs, and a creeper guy sitting in his K car (probably rubbing one out while watching a couple of chubby chicks flounce around in the waves). Still no sign of Amanda. There were alot of people on the flat rock beach further down, but it was going to take more time to walk there than I was willing to waste with only half an hour left before I had to leave for work. I turned back to get my car and was making my way down the dirt road when I had to stop. The creeper fellow had his back to me, legs spread out and one arm behind his back, clearly relieving himself right in the middle of the road. I thought about just walking on like nothing special was happening. Serves the old perv right for pissing in my path. However, this perv was probably exposing his manhood on purpose and would get his jollies by having me walk by. Instead, I waited him out. He was either pissing out an entire case of beer or he was specifically waiting for someone to walk by while his pecker was hanging out. I`m glad I decided to wait. It was about two minutes before he rearranged himself and started walking back to the car. I walked right past him without a word. Stupid creeper.
     I parked further down the beach without any sign of Amanda`s van and was about to give up. As I walked out onto the flat rocks, I met my friend, Shirley. Now this is weird for a couple of reasons. A) I haven`t seen Shirley in months even though she`s one of my favourite people and B) Shirley is the one who gave Cleo to me all those years ago. Cleo had been a fish she won at the fair by bouncing ping pong balls into fishbowls filled with blue and red water.
     I shared my story with Shirley by the waves and told her my plan to release Chloe back to the wilds. She clearly thought I had wandered away from my group of window lickers. But, she supported my decision and watched as I took my microwave-safe dish out into the lake and plunge it - fish and all - to the bottom. I actually had to tip the bowl so Chloe would get out. She nestled herself deep into a crevice between the limestone rocks and sat there.
     Meanwhile, Amanda came walking up the beach with her girls and we discussed the situation. Chloe hadn`t moved and I was beginning to think I might have to get all Old Yeller on her.You know the part where Travis tries to get Old Yeller to run away by chasing him with a stick or something. I never liked that stupid movie anyway. I did kind of push her out of the seaweed-covered rocks, but she just nestled back in another spot. In the end, I decided I would try to scoop her back up and she would either get back in the bowl or she would swim off and live happily ever after.

Photo by Amanda Whiten

      Well, didn`t that goddamn fish practically jump back in the bowl! I scooped her up and let her sit in the shade with Shirley while I took a quick swim. It`s so beautiful out there. But, Chloe is just as happy in her winter home with her potted water lilies and her bubbler. I am happy with the knowledge that I can at least take her for a swim at the point every once in a while to keep her social.