Teaching an old (female) dog new tricks



Chucking the deuce with my Nintendo DS game

      So far, July has been all about learning. For example, I wanted to learn Chinese. I thought, "Maybe, if I learn a few words in Chinese, I can impress my new bosses by ordering a Combo Number 4 in their native tongue."
     Therefore, I spent countless hours trolling the used video game sections and surfing eBay to find a copy of My Chinese Coach for Nintendo DS. I learn best when I'm trying to beat a video game and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I finally got one for about $30 from eBay seller 12skip12... and then we had a postal strike. It took a couple of extra weeks, but I did eventually get the game and couldn't wait to start learning!
     A couple of late nights and I had figured out numbers 1 - 10, the days of the week and I could say, "Mother scolds the horse" with perfect tone. Writing in Chinese was another matter. I cannot grasp the concept of symbols vs. letters and I can't absorb the meaning of all the little lines. When I write Chinese, all I see are little windows, little roof tops and an occasional ladder. This is quite a blow to my ego.
     Not to be discouraged, I learned how to say, "Today is Sunday. Yesterday was Saturday. Tomorrow is Monday." I repeated these sentences over and over in my head all day Sunday at the Waring House so I would be ready to recite them for George in the afternoon.
     When I walked in the kitchen at 4 p.m., I took a deep breath and said, "Hey George! Jintian shi xingqi tian." He looked up from his huge plate of vegetables and stared at me for a second...  just before he started laughing so hard that sauce came out his nose. "I don't know what you say!" he roared. I explained that I had spent $30 to learn how to say "Today is Sunday" in Chinese and he was ruining everything by not understanding me. He said, "You spend thirty dollah to learn how to say THAT?" And he roared with laughter some more. This made Amy come into the kitchen, so I told her what I said. She didn't laugh, but she did give me a little tip. Apparently, Mandarin and Cantonese are the same language in writing, but are pronounced completely differently. It's kind of like I can write the numbers, "1, 2, 3, 4" and everyone knows what those numbers are, whether they speak Spanish, German, French or Italian. However, they are pronounced differently in each of those languages. Similarly, what I had learned to say was in Mandarin, whereas George and Amy speak Cantonese. If I could just master all the little symbols, maybe I can write out the orders and George will not have to laugh at me.
     So, it's a work in progress. Another language I'm trying to master is urban. What the hell am I talking about you might ask? Lemme break it down for you, my brotha'. I am listening to alot of Nicki Minaj and Wiz Khalifa these days and I'm having a hard time figuring out what the hell they are saying. I'm sure it's very cool stuff, I just want to be cool, too. If you want to be cool, check out urbandictionary.com. Meantime, I will give you a couple of examples:

Urban -  "I ain' gon' flex, I'm not gon' front. You know when I ball then we all gon' stunt"
English - "I'm not fake. I really do have quite a lot of money. And, when people are with me, everyone looks good."
County girl- "I am so down to earth. I'm going out on the town tonight, wearing my best Old Navy tank top, Payless sandals and jewelry from Ardene. Prolly taking a cab."

Urban - "I mack them dudes up, back coupes up and chuck the deuce up"
English - "I flirt with boys, drive fast cars and give respect to my friends by waving my two fingers in the air"
County girl - "I like to make out with random people when I'm drunk, I drive a mini-van and I give people the finger when they piss me off."

     Now, that I can talk the talk, it's time to learn to walk the walk. Apparently, there is a dance called "The Dougie" that is either hard to do or just a basic step that everyone needs to know. It's latest claim to fame is being featured in "The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars, in which he sings, "Click to MTV so they can teach me how to Dougie". I have been meaning to Google it, but I never find the time... until now. Check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJxYiIfr4WM&feature=share
     I showed my new-found skills to one of the girls at work on Tuesday. Thanks for not laughing, Lindsay. And, I will officially post a link of my dance debut from The Waring House on Sunday afternoon. Be prepared.
     Another hot dance craze is The Shuffle for LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem". This is going to be a little more difficult as "The Running Man" is involved. I have NEVER been able to do that. Check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luqf6E3DILc for more info.
     I learned a very cool Salsa from a friend-of-a-friend who I was hanging out with today. "Kate" is THE coolest handicapped woman (second only to my own niece) because she really likes Selena Gomez from Wizards of Waverly Place, but she also watches "a show that has SEX in it", she laughs at all my jokes and she did a lap dance for someone at her church - complete with the customary hair whipping. I also thought she said that she liked "penis" today, but what she really said was that she liked "pitas"... so we went to the Pita Pit in Belleville for lunch. Excellent, btw.
     Anyway, in the middle of what Kate referred to as a "half rain" (but I would more likely call "a fucking downpour") in front of said Pita Pit on North Front Street, she showed me the Salsa, in which she steps back and forth and claps her hands. I showed her the Dougie and she told me it was old. Must not have been too bad though 'cos she included me in her prayers tonight. "God bless the one that gave me lunch and danced with me in the living room", she said. Lol. Awesome.