I say I want a resolution, but you know... meh

     I usually celebrate my New Year back in October and November when everything in nature is starting to die. For me, that's a reminder to make penance for all the wrongs I've done in the last year and make plans for all the good I'm hoping to do in the one ahead. However, it's hard not to get caught up in all the resolution hype and I, inevitably, have to make a plan of my own.
     This year, my resolutions have just kind of started of their own volition. That's the kind I predict (and hope) will have staying power. It all started with Dr. Oz. I saw he was promoting an 11-week plan to Move It and Lose It, which is precisely what I need to do. I like Dr. Oz. Sometimes I think he's a liiiiiittle bit overzealous and he uses the kind of scare tactics made popular with anti-semites prior to World War II. "Tune in next week when we will reveal the secret ingredient in applesauce that will make all the hair fall out of your scrotum... and give you brain cancer!" At least he gets the word out.
     Anyway, I took two minutes to fill out the online application and waited for the good doctor to call me in the morning. Well, he took a couple of days to get back to me. When I logged in, I spent about two hours figuring out how to log all of my food. Turns out, none of the food I eat was on the list because I usually eat food that I make, not food that comes in a package. So, I have to "create" my meals on a separate page using the individual ingredients and then "save" them to a different page before I can "log" them on a third page. What a pain in the twat. The plan is, if you spend all your time logging your meals into the website, you have no time to eat and, therefore, you lose weight.
     I figured there must be some special exercises to do according to the Dr.'s advice. If there is, I have yet to find it. Basically, the program assumes I exercise lightly 5 times a week and lead a fairly sedentary lifestyle because that's what I told them in the application. That means, I can have about 1900 calories per day. If I run a marathon or walk a mile or spend 4 hours dancing my fool head off at the bar on a Friday night, it doesn't matter. There does not appear to be any way to log my extra exercises :( That's not fair. And, it gives me no incentive to use this damn Body By Jake Tower 2000 contraption that we attached to the bedroom door last week. The laws of physics cannot explain to me how a 10 pound box of elastic bands allows me to work out with up to 200 pounds of resistance weight. I guess that's my excuse for not trying it out yet.
     The good news is, I just decided I would keep track of the calories in my foods so that I only eat about 1900 calories every day and things are going good. I'm losing a little bit. And, I am discovering alot about my eating habits. I've always known that I eat to reward myself and I can't be satisfied unless I either overstuff myself or make the meal into a cultural/festive experience. If neither of those things happen, I will eat everything in the cupboards that hasn't been touched by that damn capybara just to make up for the disappointment.
     I also didn't realize how much I eat just because "it's time" to eat. Even if I'm not really hungry. And, if someone comes over after I've eaten and says, "Wanna go have dinner at (enter restaurant name here)?" I will go and have more lunch or dinner, even though I am clearly full. Then, in the evenings - look out! My mind seems to think that I'll be going on a six month fast when bedtime comes around and I suddenly NEED to eat a chocolate cake. Not a piece of chocolate cake - a whole chocolate brownie cake. With icing. And, preferably a very rich, truffle layer. Sprinkles would be nice, too.
     The size of my meals are ridiculous as a general rule. If you look at the recommended serving size for pasta, it's 2/3 of a cup (which is a whopping 310 calories, btw!). But, if I have a plate of spaghetti at the restaurant where I work, there are easily 4 cups of noodles on the plate. Not to mention the cup of melted cheese, the olive oil in the sauce and the shredded parmesan cheese we pile on top.
     So, the plan is: count calories, cut back portion sizes and exercise regularly with Bob from The Biggest Loser.
     Also, I've decided I need to keep my house clean. I have a laissez-faire attitude towards housekeeping that involves doing the dishes when I am out of pots, sweeping when stuff starts sticking to my feet and washing windows when I can't see through them. The only thing I like to do is laundry. I don't fold or put away, though. Just wash and dry and sort into piles.

     Now, I am making a list of things I need to do every day and things I need to do once a week, just like Martha Stewart suggests. I had some success with this "10-step" type program through http://www.flylady.org/ a few years back. But, I fell off the wagon about 30 days in. This week, I've tidied, swept and mopped my entranceway, my bathroom and my bedroom. I even vacuumed my heating vents as per Martha's advice. I hit a bit of a roadblock today in my bedroom because I had to wash my sheets and pillowcases. I don't have any nice pillowcases other than the ones in the wash. So, you know what I did? I put t-shirts on them. That's right. T-shirts. One of my pillows is wearing Atticus and the other is decked out in American Eagle. I bring new meaning to the word Redneck, pretty sure.
     Resolution #3 is not a happy story. It's a carpe diem resolution, the same credo I always subscribe to, but with more... conviction. I was reading the Toronto Star the other day and discovered one of my favourite Canadian authors, and all-around nice guy, died of lung cancer last January. He's one of my Facebook friends and I had no idea he was even ill (which proves that Facebook is NOT always the best way to keep in touch with your loved ones, no matter how much I argue the contrary). I always wanted to go see him play in his band and I wanted to invite him to stop in for a meal (my treat) sometime when he was in the County on a fishing trip, but I never did. Now he's gone and I never met him face-to-face.
     There have been a couple of times, more than I'd like to even admit, when I've been at a funeral for someone and discovered through a eulogy what a great and interesting person they had been in life. The secret parts of people that they keep for themselves, that they don't show you unless you take the time to really find out who they are, are always the best parts. Forrest Gump said "Life is like a box of chocolates", but I like to think individual people are like boxes of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get, it's true. And, if you try a little bit of all of them, you are bound to find one that's really yummy and goes well with one of your own - like chocolate and peanut butter. lol.
     There are others who are nothing but shitty orange creams and cheap peanuts. Resolution #4 is to tell all those bastards to stay away from me.