First of all, it snowed so hard during the day, there were times when I couldn't see across the street. I love snow. I worked lunch at the Waring House and served one table of four. Then, I went to work at the Island for 5 p.m. It had been so dead all day, Kimmy had only made 81 cents in tips in three hours. It was going to be an uneventful dinner, so we took a coffee break.
Fred told me about his experience with gun registration. He had ordered a shot gun and went to Belleville to pay for it, but was told he couldn't leave with it. Turns out, he had changed his address with the gun registry people in December, but they hadn't completed the paperwork. After talking to the "fucking chief fucker" (Fred's own words, lol), he found out he was allowed to buy a gun (because he was registered), but he couldn't take it out of the store until the government decided they had time to do their job and change his address.
"That would be like me going to Metro to buy all my groceries, paying for them and then being told that I couldn't leave with them until the County approved my purchases," I said with indignation.
Without missing a beat, Rusty replied, "Well, there'd be one helluva fucking food fight 'cos if I ain't gettin' it, ain't nobody gonna have it." I am going to miss Rusty. He is one of the cooks at the Island and he is hilarious. Today is his last day :( The last day to hear him singing "Ruby, she's got one booby" or "You can ring my bell" in the kitchen. The last day to hear him say, "Your which is itchy?" or "Holy snappin' assholes!" The last time I will hear him call a customer "the syphlicated remains of a Chinese mudfucker" when I bring back a plate of potatoes that aren't cooked to their precise specifications.
Rusty's favourite movie is The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. There is a line in the movie where Priscilla tells an old woman, a "walrus-looking fucker" (as he tells it), "Why don't you just light your tampon, and blow your box apart? Because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart!" I've checked out some other quotes from the movie on imdb.com and it sounds like a treat. I might have to rent it this afternoon while I recover from my hangover. That part's coming.
Mary Street parking lot in Picton overlooks Delhi Park. It used to be the town dump as I recall. Now, it's the best motherfucking toboggan hill between here and the Experimental Farm in Ottawa. It's usually glazed with ice from all the use it gets after a snowstorm. Last night, however, it was all fresh powder. Amanda brought two Krazy Karpets and I had a cheap snow board. We were set.
My first run, I sat on the snowboard and that worked out pretty well. I swore the whole way down until I swallowed so much powder I choked on my own profanity. I had convinced Amanda that going down face first on the Krazy Karpet was a bad idea, but it turns out that was probably the way to go. Kimmy could make it almost all the way to the creek using her super snowplow boobs technique. Amanda was too light to go the distance, so I got on the back of her Karpet with my legs wrapped around her. That was great for me 'cos she took all the snow in the face. I tried to return the favour and go down in front the next time, but I leaned back too far so she still ended up eating powder. I, however, still looked like I had a snowball for a head. "I thought I was taking it all," I said. "I seemed to be choking alot." Amanda pointed out that this was a very pornographic comment.
My next stop was Belleville to hang out with Dannle and Tairn and play Wii games, surf Plenty of Fish and drink copious amounts of liquor. I picked up a Staff Pick from the LCBO the other day called Sa' Solin Ripasso Valpolicella, so I grabbed that, some clean underwear, my laptop and a camera and headed out on the icy roads.
When I got there, Dannle was drinking something out of a super-sized cup with a penis-shaped straw. Tairn was video chatting, looking like a million bucks from the waist up. From the waist down, she was in white, flannel pjs and the back of her hair was a rat's nest.
First things first.... you've GOT to get yourself a profile on Plenty of Fish. I don't have one (although I'm one of a handful of married people who doesn't. tsk tsk), but at least I have friends that do. That shit is hilarious. I can see more porn in one night surfing dating websites than in 15 years of watching late night french tv stations. Again, this is free entertainment. So far, I spent some spare change at Timmy's and enough money for gas to get me to Belleville.
Next, get yourself a Wii with all the Just Dance games you can afford. Obviously, a little pricey, but not if you rent them. I had a Wii, but I never had anyone come over to play it with me and that's just not as much fun. When you drink a bottle of Italian red wine and start rockin' out to Michael Jackson The Experience with a couple of friends who don't know the difference between potatoes and prostitutes, you've got the best winter evening, late night and early morning you can handle. We got to bed at 4:30 a.m. I'm waaaaaaaay hungover right now, so I hope you appreciate my dedication to this blog. LMAO.
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